Monday, 11 July 2016


Contrary to what most of you may think, I, Shahirah Hasbullah, am actually a girl with a heart made of steel and impervious to emotions.

Baru raya ke berapa dah menipu dah Shahirah ya Allah apa nak jadi. Ampun, maaf zahir batin 2.0 everyone.

I don't know what you think of me, especially if your sole source is my blog, but if you think I'm just about the biggest, most cengeng crybaby whose eyes pee every time the thought of Mufasa's death is invoked from the back of mind, you're right. 

Tonight I watched another good friend walk past the boarding gate of KLIA, down the escalator, across the floor, to pursue a better future insyaAllah. If my life was a drama, this was a scene that has been recycled to a certain degree. I've sent numerous friends & families in valediction, and every single time I'd spill my tears and get all emotional about their departures. So this was a scene I've starred in many times, but tonight 

was one time too many. 

I broke down while my mind jumped through years in advance to find a date when I'll see him again, and when we - the complete quorum of the gang - can all see each other again, but the only answer I got was http page 404 not found. In fact, I can't remember the last time all of us were actually present at a gathering. Someone was always in another continent, or had an errand to run, or the call of duty to answer, or a different event to attend, etc. 

But that's not it, that's not quite what pulled the trigger of my acutely responsive heart.

I've always likened us to climbing a mountain, each of us taking different roads & routes but sharing a common destination : the summit. So at one point all the roads have to be connected together. It's like, you go this way I go that way, see you at the top okay? Okay cun. And when we finally reach the pinnacle of our journey, we can rightfully groove to Started From The Bottom Now We Here and be merry and not worry about anything anymore. Well, they can groove to that, I'll stick to my kpop songs and we'll squabble over the song choice but we'll be happy. Be it 5 years from now, 10 years, 17 years even, it doesn't matter to me as long as we'll be in each other's company again.

But will we, really?

It was the uncertainty of whether or not we'll live to the day that we get to reunite and rejoice at how far we've come, that sent my eyes into pathetic waterworks. What if someone turned around & went down & chose a different mountain? What if someone never made it to the top? What if not all roads connect at the peak? What if some roads lead down the alleys of frustration and regret? What if we're actually climbing up a volcano and suddenly it erupts into a massive explosion and we all get annihilated? Sounds like a plot of a terrible thriller/action movie.

Uncertainty is both a thing of beauty and a curse, it can be both blissful ignorance and crippling anxiety that consumes every being of myself. It's like a hurricane, and maybe that's why hurricanes are named after women - they're a beautiful mess.

They say friends are the family you choose. I'm happy with my choices.

Minutes before I launched my crying fest

Was tonight an adieu? I hope not. That wasn't a Goodbye, that was See You When I See You, God willing.

I'm so sorry for the sappy post! I'm not usually like this ok, I'm usually fun & happy & hilarious & kind & beautiful & drop dead gorgeous & intriguing andddddd we're back to menipu. Maaf zahir batin 3.0 everyone. Hope you enjoyed my little Raya drama on this blog. 

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