Monday, 22 February 2016
Being a girl
I think I've come to terms with the fact that being a girl means I have the propensity to simply burst out crying for no obvious reasons.
I have been feeling out of place since yesterday, and it peeves the hell out of me when I'm unable to put a label on what I'm feeling. Like, what exactly am I feeling uneasy about?! Am I annoyed?! At what?! Am I angry?! WHAT FOR?!!!!! Am I disappointed? WHY!!!!!! What is this lump in my throat, is it anger or sadness or an inexplicable longing for something I'm not even sure what? The obscurity of my own emotions just feeds back into the crying response, thus driving this vicious cycle forward. It's like I'm crying because of the unknown. And the only way I know to deal with this is to run into familiarity, run into my comfort zone - my family and best friends, who are half the globe away from me. But my family didn't pick up my Facetime call last night. Keyla couldn't talk for long because she has an exam coming up. Amie's still in the land of no wifi. Almira's phone broken, she's Facetime-less for now. I've been trying to reach Atika by Facetime but to no avail.
So what was I supposed to do when I couldn't even run into my safest haven?
Of course, I cried in the toilet while washing my face before going to bed last night, and it was just ugly. Because my face was full on foamy with my facial cleanser and my tears were making me feel like my skin was not thoroughly cleansed. All the more reason to cry.
Maybe this isn't about being a girl.
Maybe this is just me.
Now I'm in the library and holding my tears back through gritted teeth, God forbids that this turns into a sobbing fest.
I just want my 70p chocolate doughnuts from Sainsbury's.