The other weekend my family & most of my relatives went back to our kampung because there was a kenduri, so naturally photos of them having a good time without me flooded our whatsapp group & also on Instagram. There was this one photo that my little sister uploaded, it was of her holding a little baby girl during the kenduri.
My finger stopped scrolling and I could almost hear the sound of my heart breaking into pieces.
Okay over gila but
I COULDN'T RECOGNISE THE BABY.
WHO'S THAT BABY?!
That baby must be one of my little cousins??? Or one of my cousins' children??? I DON'T KNOW! I commented on my sister's photo with lots of crying emojis, deeply disheartened by the fact that I didn't know who the baby is.
One of my fears about studying half the globe away from my family is the probable question "Siapa tu?" posed by the little ones in the family when they see me, and vice versa. I can't decide which is the greater agony - not being recognised by them or not recognising them. I mean, missing out on their growing up is already so hard for me, having this whole lack of recognition on top of that would be equivalent to sprinkling salt on an open wound. Just last year's summer break, I welcomed 2 newborns in the family tree. I last saw them when they're tiny little peachicks who spent their days sleeping and defecating and crying. When I return to Malaysia comes summer this year, they'd probably look different, they'd probably be running around singing the ABC song, having no recollection whatsoever about this Kakak Sheera who once held them in her arms & carried them on her back. But yang tu okay lagi at least they lahir when I was around, what about those yang lahir when I wasn't around?! A scenario that is always conjured in my head would be the kids not wanting to salam me at our usual huge family gatherings, and they'd shoot me a hostile look while hiding behind their parents (or my other cousins that they see frequently therefore aren't scared of) instead of running into my embrace because I've been absent for the most part of their childhood due to this thing called university :( Haih.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Right?
But out of sight, out of mind??
(menangis 7 lautan)
I hope they never forget about their Kakak Sheera.